Over the years, coaching women has enabled me to explore the idea of women living in their lives rather than having their lives done to them. As a facilitator of mindfulness living and as a Women's Life and Well-being Coach, I took that to mean that women often just get caught up with what is expected of them which is surprising really, when many of us, perhaps naively, think we are in complete control of our own destinies!
Some of us have our weeks/months/years/lives planned out and know what we are doing, who we are doing it with and where we are going at all times! We also know that the house probably could not run without us and that's a good feeling for many of us!
That need for control can be an issue for mindfulness and for meditation practice because it asks you to do the opposite - accept what is arising in the here and now and allow whatever occurs with grace and appreciation - without judgement. To accept that we have no control, the only thing we actually have is this moment.
Then one day, you wake up and think, "hang on a minute, how did I actually get here - is this what I really want? Is this how I really want to live the rest of my life? Am I really in control of my life or is my life controlling me? "
Of course, society tells both men and women that a high status career, marriage, kids, amazing holidays, weekends away, cruises, the latest cars are really important as a measure of success. But when was the last time, we sat down with our partner or family and was really present for them? How many weekends/holidays, have I spent, worrying about work or dreading returning to work?
As indicated, much of this is the same for men too and clearly not all men and women will experience this in the same way. But I do wonder whether women have some other complex issues to deal with in terms of keeping everything going regardless? Women, these days have to be everything to everyone, perhaps in a way that is not expected of men to the same degree. Yes, things have changed a great deal, but when you walk into my house and it's untidy and could possibly do with a clean(yes clean!!!), it's not my partner people judge but me. And there we have it - women's expectations of each-other and themselves.
Yes, it is possible to have it all - the demanding career, the lovely house, always immaculate and well kept, being the one everyone relies on, the holidays. But within all of that organising and planning to just keep things going, we lose something of ourselves.
So sometimes women suddenly wake up and think "actually I'm not in control of my life, my life and other people's expectations are controlling me. This no longer fits with what I truly believe in and it doesn't feel real. So control can mean different things to different people and maybe there are differences in experiences of control between men and women. But we all would benefit from living our lives, actually being in it, rather than having it done to us.
Yes, you might be saying! Brilliant, fantastic, I am ready to change things!
But ...........................................then the panic sets in: what about my pension? What about those lovely all inclusive holidays? What about that incredibly high mortgage? What would my family and friends think of me if we downsized and let go of the 2 cars? So think about this, if you live to 90 and you look back, will you be saying to yourself, "I'm so glad I had that high mortgage, those expensive cars and worked all those hours to achieve them".
Or could you be saying: "I love the quality of my life everyday and I have time for the people I care about" .
I have never yet seen a grave stone that says, "she was an amazing woman, she had a lovely clean and tidy home".
Not very inspiring is it?
To live an authentic life, often means letting go of some of the possessions/ideas which have been our priorities and letting go of some ingrained beliefs which are quite frankly no longer useful to us. It requires some stripping back, and de-cluttering .......................of everything.
How many of us are brave enough to do it?
I suppose this has resonated with me because, this sudden light bulb moment that I had some years ago now, put me on that path of seeking a more authentic, real life that I could actually enjoy. It required taking some risks and some didn't pay off, but others have enabled me to see life very differently. Yes, I still look forward to holidays and treats, but on a much reduced income to what I used to earn, but I don't do a job that I hate just for money - those days are gone. And basically, now I'm able to enjoy the huge amount of days in-between the holidays - my life!
I'm not there yet of course, whatever "there" is. But as a Life Coach, I accept I'm on the right path, enjoying the journey and helping others to enjoy their journey too so that whatever age we live to, we could look back and know we enjoyed an inspired passionate life.
Mindfulness teaches me: just stop, look around, breathe deeply - enjoy the journey.
If you are ready for that journey, maybe life coaching combined with mindfulness, could support you on your path towards actually living your life, not having life done to you.
www.workandlifebalance.co.uk
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